


Letters of Barnes

by midnightsvoid



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Captain America: The First Avenger, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, M/M, Not Easily Conquered, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 15:00:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19703773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsvoid/pseuds/midnightsvoid
Summary: 3am ficlet inspired by Not Easily Conquered





	Letters of Barnes

**Letters of Barnes**

In the year 2012, the discovery of the lost artifacts of Sargent James Buchanan Barnes brought a change in the world no one expected. Here's a part of the letters which was displayed to the public by an unknown source.

_These days I don’t think I’m the same man as I was before the war. Hell, I don’t think I’m even close to being human. Spike of adrenaline. Coldness. Relief. Those are the feeling I get when I push the trigger. It should make me sick, it should. But it doesn’t._

_Mostly I’m afraid of what’ll happen if I don’t press it in time or somehow I’m not there and you’re the one who gets hurt. It’s better that I live with the fact that I’ve killed one more than the possibility of you getting hurt. I’m a sick bastard, I know. But you’ll be safe and that’s what matters._

_Dugan used to ask me about having a girl back when you weren’t here. When you didn’t condemn yourself to this place hell. Used to get smart mouthed seeing the stuff you sent me. Cigarettes, socks, pictures of home, hell he said it was cute you sent a sketch of yourself, only he thought my girl had sketched a picture of my best friend. What a thought, right?_

_Sometimes I still dream that you’re back at home. That you’re back in our one room apartment, with the cracked living room window and lying on our ratty old couch with you sketchbook perched in your lap and your pretty little mouth pressed in a thin line. Draw you the way I see you. I wish I was half as good with a pencil as you are just so I could trap that image on a paper. So I could keep you safe in my breast pocket, away from the horrors we see here every day._

_We’re going after Zola tomorrow and that thought scares me more than dying. You’re a stubborn son of bitch, I know. But I can be more stubborn, learnt it from you after all and no matter how much you insists wordlessly or plead your eyes I don’t think I can ever tell you what happened when I was captured. What they did to me ‘cause half of the time I tell you, I don’t even know myself. All I know is that the nightmares are filled with my hand around your neck and I can’t remember your name._

_We’re going after Zola and I’m scared outta my mind and I would give anything to not go on this mission but I’ve always followed you, haven’t I? So I'm not stopping now, despite the fact that this terrifies me._

_And if I ~~die, survive~~ who am I kidding with this? I don’t think I have a goddamn chance of surviving this hell hole. But I know you will. You’re worth more than this, always have been. So once you’re done with this—after all of this is over—you go home and ask her out. _

_She’s just as feisty and stubborn headed as you are and the two of you deserve each other. So when you’re back in Brooklyn you put a ring on her just like I told you, like I know you want—doesn’t matter how much you try to deny it— you put a ring on her and her you have yourself a nice family. Just remember to name your kids after me just like we promised ourselves. And maybe have a toast in my name once a year. Send my love to Ma, Da and Becca_. 

_And for the love of all that’s holy don’t stop living your life, punk. Lord knows you’ll try to do something reckless. You already did when you came to save from the pits of that place but swear on my life Stevie, if I don’t make it don’t fucking come after me. The line ends here. Maybe He'll see something in me and save me from a few rounds of hell fire. Does the Lord punish his people more for loving someone or killing them? I don’t think I have to wait long to find out._

—Excerpt from the Letters of Barnes found in 2012.

(3 am ficlet inspired by Not Easily Conquered. Sorry for any typos)

**Author's Note:**

> Literally I adore NEC, I would give my life for it to be an actually hard copy.


End file.
